{"id":100267,"date":"2015-02-13T08:18:56","date_gmt":"2015-02-13T13:18:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/?p=100267"},"modified":"2015-02-13T08:18:56","modified_gmt":"2015-02-13T13:18:56","slug":"love-is-in-the-air","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/2015\/02\/love-is-in-the-air\/","title":{"rendered":"Love is in the Air"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"It's<\/a>
It’s Valentine’s Day … and love is in the air. (Sean Flynn\/UConn Photo)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

With Valentine\u2019s Day right around the corner, UConn Today asked Kari Adamsons<\/a>, associate professor in UConn\u2019s Department of Human Development and Family Studies who teaches a course on Close Relationships Across the Lifespan, for her insights on marriage and relationships in this country today.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s almost Valentine\u2019s Day, a day of that celebrates romance and togetherness, but isn\u2019t everyone getting divorced?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Actually, no! Divorce rates peaked in the 1970s and 1980s, but they have declined slowly but steadily since then. In fact, recent research shows that 70 percent of marriages that began in the 1990s made it to their 15th anniversary, and those married in the 2000s have even lower rates of divorce so far. And\u00a0\u2013 great news for UConn students\u00a0\u2013<\/strong> divorce rates have decreased the most among people with college degrees.<\/p>\n

Are there particular things that predict the success of marriages and relationships?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Absolutely. It\u2019s very important to find a partner who is a good \u201cfit\u201d for you, which usually means someone who is pretty similar to you in terms of their values, beliefs, and goals. Despite the clich\u00e9, opposites really don\u2019t attract, or even if they do, it\u2019s hard for them to stay together very long. Having different hobbies or interests is ok, but if you can\u2019t agree on whether or not to have kids, how to spend money, how much time to spend with each other, or even whether your life goals are compatible, it will be tough to have a long-term relationship with someone.<\/p>\n

Beyond picking a good partner, it\u2019s critical to know how to communicate effectively with each other. Disagreements will happen, and so will misunderstandings. If you can\u2019t argue fairly and constructively (yes, it\u2019s possible!) or don\u2019t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other, the relationship likely won\u2019t last. And take your time and be willing to put in a lot of work. Figuring out if you are really compatible with someone and learning how to communicate with each other and working through differences takes time, so don\u2019t rush things! Good relationships take time and effort to build; they don\u2019t just magically happen (sorry Disney), so you have to be willing to spend both to make a relationship work.<\/p>\n

And this goes for all kinds of relationships, be they friendships, family, or romantic partners. More often than not, a good relationship is a good relationship, and it takes the same things to make them work.<\/p>\n

How about the other side of the coin? What are some danger signs?<\/strong><\/p>\n

A lack of respect, trust, or communication are all major warning flags, because those are the core components of healthy relationships. Too much conflict (especially if it isn\u2019t handled well) also is a warning sign. Some people think ANY conflict is bad, which isn\u2019t true because all relationships will have conflict in them. But you shouldn\u2019t be fighting all the time, or even half the time. Research shows that happy couples usually have at least 5 happy interactions for every negative interaction, but that unhappy couples are often closer to 1:1 (or even less, having more negatives than positives).<\/p>\n

Unhappy couples also tend to use more hostile sarcasm and insults towards each other, attack each other\u2019s character, won\u2019t take responsibility for problems, and shut down or withdraw rather than engaging in discussions. All of those tend to eat away at relationships, rather than helping them last.<\/p>\n

A final one that sometimes surprises people \u2013 do all of your friends and family not like this person and think they aren\u2019t good for you? Odds are, they\u2019re right. In some ways, love really does make us blind, so our close friends and family are often better judges of our relationships than we are. They\u2019re less biased, but they know us well and have our best interests at heart. One or two people might just be a personality conflict, but if most of the people you feel close to and understood by don\u2019t like the person \u2026 your friends and family probably are seeing something you aren\u2019t, not the other way around.<\/p>\n

B<\/strong>earing in mind that many people are happily single, do you have any thoughts about how to get through all the hoopla surrounding Valentine\u2019s Day if you happen to be unattached, either by choice or by circumstance?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cLove\u201d includes a lot more things than just romantic relationships. All of us have close relationships, whether they are family, friends, or romances, and it\u2019s also vital that you have a healthy relationship with yourself! So first, take Valentine\u2019s Day to tell friends, family, and anyone important to you that they matter to you and that you love them! Everyone likes to know they are appreciated and valued, and Valentine\u2019s Day is a great day for that.<\/p>\n

And second, in the busy-ness of daily life, we often forget to take time for ourselves. So take yourself out on a date and do whatever YOU want for the day. Catch up on those hobbies you always wish you had more time for, go see a movie you\u2019ve been dying to see, or write an email or make a phone call to friends you haven\u2019t talked to enough lately. When it\u2019s an intentional choice to do something on your own, not just what you feel like you got stuck with because \u201ceveryone else\u201d is busy, you\u2019ll be surprised how enjoyable it can be.<\/p>\n

In some relationships one partner never seems to remember any significant dates such as birthdays or anniversaries, but Valentine\u2019s Day is hard to miss. Any thoughts about a \u2018significant other\u2019 who just doesn\u2019t seem to want to celebrate the day but their partner clearly does?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Like anything else in relationships, whether or how to recognize occasions and holidays is something that has to be negotiated. Some people start out on the same page, and some don\u2019t. As always, the first and biggest step is communication. A person can\u2019t fix a problem they don\u2019t know exists! Have a conversation when you\u2019re both feeling calm (NOT when you\u2019ve been stewing about it) about how you each view holidays or occasions, and why you do or don\u2019t like to celebrate them.<\/p>\n

Focus on talking about how you each feel or what you wish would happen, NOT attacking the other person for what they do or don\u2019t do. Hearing \u201cI really like celebrating things like Valentine\u2019s Day because it makes me feel special and valued\u201d is very different from hearing \u201cYou never do anything for me for Valentine\u2019s Day! You\u2019re so inconsiderate!\u201d<\/p>\n

If, after talking about it, you find you truly do have opposite expectations and wants, then you\u2019ll have to make a decision. You can either decide you\u2019re ok with leaving things as they are (but you truly have to be ok with that, not just secretly hope it changes), decide it\u2019s a deal-breaker and leave the relationship, or find some way to compromise. Perhaps you celebrate some occasions, but not others. Maybe the person thinks it\u2019s too expensive and is embarrassed that they can\u2019t afford expensive gifts or dinners, so you could celebrate in less expensive but still meaningful ways, like making a nice dinner at home and watching a movie together on DVD. But the only way to find a solution, is to communicate about the problem!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

UConn family studies professor Kari Adamsons discusses some matters of the heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21,"featured_media":100350,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","wds_primary_category":0,"wds_primary_series":0,"wds_primary_attribution":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2226,1],"tags":[],"magazine-issues":[],"coauthors":[56],"class_list":["post-100267","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-clas","category-uncategorized"],"pp_statuses_selecting_workflow":false,"pp_workflow_action":"current","pp_status_selection":"publish","acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-04-20 18:28:14","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100267","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/users\/21"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=100267"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100267\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":100367,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100267\/revisions\/100367"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/media\/100350"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=100267"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=100267"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=100267"},{"taxonomy":"magazine-issue","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/magazine-issues?post=100267"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/today.uconn.edu\/wp-rest\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=100267"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}