Family studies professor Stephen Anderson is director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program in the Center for Applied Research in Human Development of the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. He is also a husband, father, and grandfather. He discusses how families can cope with the holidays.

This is the time of year when family is emphasized, and so many people feel upset that either they don’t have a family or that their family does not live up to the ideal. What strategies can they use to cope?

I do not know many people who come from, or live in, an ideal family. Most of us have hurt or disappointed our families, or been disappointed or hurt by them at some times in our lives. Unfortunately, some of us have had more of these experiences than others. I think a critical question is: have we found ways to resolve these hurts directly with those involved, or at least found a way to move on from them and to put them to rest.

Another possibility is to reflect on past times when our holiday celebrations and traditions were fulfilling, even if that is no longer the case. This may involve recalling memorable moments with those who are no longer with us. Finally, for those of us who do not have a family, this might be a good time to connect with new acquaintances or close friends and to establish new or different holiday traditions.

Even if you have the so-called “perfect family” – a mother, father, son, and daughter – most of us are not living the lives of the families in Leave It to Beaver or that we have romanticized as being wonderful. Just what is a “normal” family these days? How can you judge if it is a “quality” family with a “normal” life?

I dislike the term “normal” because it implies there is some standard by which we are all to be judged. In our textbook on family interaction, Ron Sabatelli and I define family as any interdependent group of individuals who have a shared sense of history, common experiences, emotional bonds, and strategies for meeting the needs of individual members and the group as a whole. This is because there are many types of families, and no one family structure has been shown to be superior to others. Any family that conveys to its members that they are loved, accepted, and supported will generally have a pretty good chance of making it in today’s society. There may be other factors – like good communication and conflict resolution skills – that can help, but a sense of emotional connection and being valued will take us all a long way.

As a marriage and family therapist, husband, and father of two, do you find that you approach your own family interactions more from a counseling perspective? Or are you in the moment the same as the rest of us?

Every family, including those of family therapists, has challenges and struggles to deal with. We all make mistakes, get angry, and have conflicts with other family members. I think anger and conflict are a part of every relationship. To me, the critical issue is not that we have conflicts, but rather how we manage them. For instance, there has been a good deal of research that has shown that children react emotionally and physiologically to the conflicts they observe between their parents. But when the parents are able to resolve their conflict in the children’s presence, the children calm right down. However, when parents cannot resolve the conflict, the children remain upset and emotionally reactive for a rather long time. So it’s not the presence of conflict per se, it’s how we manage it that is important.

You have focused much of your research on conflict and domestic violence. We have all been reading a lot about these issues in the newspapers and online lately. Do you think domestic violence is increasing and if so, why? Or is it simply just getting more attention?

Accurate statistics on domestic violence are difficult to obtain, but reports tend to suggest that rates have not changed all that much yet. Domestic violence is still the leading cause of injury among women ages 15-45, and far too many children are either victims or witnesses of violence or abuse. What has changed is that there is stricter enforcement of domestic violence laws and many more intervention programs for victims and perpetrators have been created. Most perpetrators of violence who come to the attention of the courts are first-time offenders. Except for the most severe offenders, most do not return for a second offense. It appears that the combination of public exposure, referral to treatment, and the threat of more severe penalties for repeat offenses can make a difference.

What advice do you have for those of us who feel our tempers starting to flare when things are not going well?

I think it’s important to draw a distinction between anger and aggression. We all get angry sometime. We may hurt another’s feelings and say things we later regret. There are times, however, when anger escalates to aggression. During these times, we may threaten, intimidate, humiliate, demean, or even physically hurt another person. These are the ones to avoid. There are many anger management programs out there, but all of them share the same basic principle. When you feel your temper flaring and you are at the point of perhaps harming another, take a time out, leave the room, and give yourself time to calm down.

Some of us have the impression that when we get upset with another, even if we are feeling very angry, we have to talk it out, we have to resolve the matter right then and there. In fact, this is the least productive time to try to resolve a difference. There are numerous studies that have pointed out that intense anger simply begets more anger, and the most likely outcome is an escalation of the conflict into aggression. Though it may seem counter-intuitive, it is best to stop the interaction, calm down, and then try to resolve the difference later, when cooler heads can prevail. Of course, the other danger is that the partners will cool down and never come back together to resolve the difference. These can become chronically unresolved issues.

In the last 30 years, fathers have taken on an enhanced role in parenting, at least in part because of working mothers. Do you see any long-term advantages of this showing up?

It is clearly a positive when children have strong relationships with both parents, whether the parents reside in the same household or not. Children benefit from exposure to positive male and female role models. They learn how to relate successfully with both men and women. They learn that both mothers and fathers can be nurturing. These experiences can lay the groundwork for successful adult intimate relationships. Whether we like it or not, our parents are very influential in establishing the blueprints for out future roles as parent, spouse, partner, or friend.

This holiday season, what aspects of your family life are you most thankful for?

I am thankful that all the members of my immediate family are healthy and doing well. I have my first granddaughter – compliments of my daughter and son-in-law – that I am especially thankful for. I am looking forward to spending as much time as I can with all of them.