Editor’s Note: Board of Trustees Distinguished Professor Sandra Chafouleas shares insights on helping loved ones cope with campus violence. This article originally appeared in Psychology Today, where she publishes a blog.

Key Points

• When crisis hits, overwhelm can happen when typical coping strategies aren’t working.
• Recovery from crisis is non-linear, with ups and downs that can challenge our efforts to help.
• Simple acts to strengthen ways of coping can help navigate the emotional waves.
• Genuine connection and simple acts can foster the conditions for lasting resilience and growth.

As a psychologist with decades of experience in school crisis preparation and response, I thought I understood trauma symptoms and the recovery process. Then the mass shooting occurred at Brown University on Dec. 13, 2025, and my child was a student on campus. Cognitively, I know that most people impacted will respond with resilience over time and may even experience growth. But over the past few weeks, my own feelings and behaviors didn’t always match what I know and teach others.

The non-linear process of healing is exhausting, especially for families and friends who are trying hard to figure out how to help. A myriad of tips have been shared, some of which have been very useful. But others have fallen flat for me, landing in categories I’d call non-specific (drink water), impossible (get enough sleep), or just not right (get to a therapist right away for specialized treatments). As I reflect on what’s happening in my own family, I find myself repeatedly asking: What is the ‘just right’ balance to help navigate through different moments?

Moving from Response to Recovery

As weeks pass, I understand that initial crisis reactions like disorientation and disbelief naturally fade. I remind myself that research shows crisis experiences can facilitate personal growth, meaning-making, and sense of purpose. Crisis intervention models illustrate that helpful actions include exploring feelings, generating new coping strategies, and building an action plan. As supports evolve from immediate crisis reaction to community recovery, careful matching between individual needs and timing continue to be essential.

It’s this support matching space that consumes my own thinking. The ‘right’ supports are deeply subjective, varying based on factors like proximity to the event and prior vulnerabilities. And recovery can be frustratingly non-linear. At any moment, a loved one might find their existing strategies for coping aren’t working and react with feelings of overwhelm.

This is where families and friends often feel stuck, wanting desperately to help but unsure what will actually make a difference.

When Usual Coping Strategies Aren’t Working

If you’re supporting someone affected by crisis, remember that the simple act of connection matters most. Relational experiences are key in recovery, and interactions don’t have to be complicated.

• • Offer connection, not solutions. Supportive listening can let loved ones share heavy feelings. Sharing feelings, without jumping to problem-solving, is a simple act that can alleviate their intensity. These relational connections create space for processing without pressure.
  • Notice their feelings aloud. Watch for signs your loved one is not feeling their best self, like short temper, avoiding usually loved activities, or struggling with typically easy decisions. Gently name what you observe: “You seem sad this morning.” or “This looks really hard, it must be frustrating.” Simply naming and acknowledging feelings can be helpful.
  • Explore simple coping strategies together. Once you have named a heavy feeling, explore what small shift might help: “Want to take a quick walk?” (settles the body), “Should we try some deep breathing?” (calms the body), “Tell me more about what you’re feeling” (share the situation), or “What’s another way to view this issue?” (shift thoughts). Exploration doesn’t have to be time or labor-intensive: keep it small and brief.
  • Build go-to coping strategies through practice. Without judgment, notice what worked and what didn’t. People are unique: some might lean toward movement and breathing whereas others gravitate toward connection and mindfulness. Identify a few favorites, and then try to practice them in neutral moments, either in real situations or by mentally rehearsing the steps. Having strategy steps ready before they are needed can make them most effective.